CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening, guten Abend, bonsoir,
and welcome to the QI L series.
Now, what does the loneliest
whale in the world sound like?
HE WARBLES
HE CONTINUES
HE SHRIEKS
Somebody feed him!
It's not even close.
I don't know what that sounded like,
I never want to hear it ever again.
Your wife is a very lucky woman.
Do you know that?
Yeah, this particular whale,
there's one,
we don't actually know
what species it is,
because no-one's found it,
but people have heard it.
And it's very unusual
because it's the highest-pitched
whale that's ever been recorded
by hydrophones, the microphones
you pop down into the depths.
But how do they know that it's
lonely?
Because it's never been answered.
Ah.
But maybe it just likes spending
time on its own.
It might do, there are theories.
Maybe it's like singing
in your kitchen in your nightie?
Also, how do we know,
if we've never seen it,
how do we know that it IS a whale?
It might be a couple of dolphins
mucking about with a big shell.
Just...
HE WARBLES
"They're coming, they're coming!"
"No, nothing. No."
There's a whale over there
I think, but, then...
HE WARBLES
No, I think... That's the shell.
That's the shell. It's a conch.
Ooh!
Ooh!
I didn't think "conch"
when you did that. Oh, dear!
Are you suggesting that I'm...
I'm not suggesting anything.
Are you suggesting I'm somehow
pleasuring a whale?!
LAUGHTER
No.
The sperm whale's penis
is about three metres long.
Yeah, you'd need a bigger mouth
than even you have got.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Isn't it great how we're all so
keen to be involved? Absolutely.
I'll have a go at that! I'll have a
go! Hang on a second,
if we're all getting involved,
I'll start here,
have it all the way along the front.
Here, you hold it like that,
right, and then.
Right, here you go.
LAUGHTER
Right, there we go, there we go!
THUDDING AND LAUGHTER
Heave ho!
Heave ho!
It's going to blow!
Oh, dear, dear, dear...
A whale at a birthday party?
Well, they take up a lot of room,
you'd need a big hall. Yeah.
I think you're getting there.
Yeah. That's good encouragement,
thanks, Richard.
That's OK.
Think it would be fun for the kids
to get inside, couldn't they,
play around. True.
Bouncy castle.
"Bouncy arsehole", did you say? No!
LAUGHTER
I didn't, but by all means...
Oh, "bouncy castle".
Bouncy castle. Oh, yeah, yeah,
I see what you mean, yeah.
UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER
"Yeah, I'd like to hire a bouncy
arsehole, if I may?"
LAUGHTER
Oops. No. List things that you
need for children's parties.
Well, my kids... Cake,
and I was thinking candles. Yeah.
Candles is one. Right, cake...
Pass the parcel. Pass the parcel.
Balloons. Yes! Balloons!
Balloons. A big whale balloon.
Whales filled with helium.
Why would a blue whale
be useful at a children's party?
Because it's got the largest breath
in the world. Yes!
Because, in one breath,
a blue whale
could inflate 1,250 balloons.
Wow. OK.
That's a spoilt child...
I agree.
I take that point, but I'm fairly
sure it's never happened.
No, no. You're right.
Yeah, and also, logistically,
it would be almost impossible.
Whales live to be very old, as well,
don't they?
So, I would like one
at my birthday party
to make me feel both young and slim.
Yes. Whales aren't particularly
slim though, Lucy.
No, but I would, next to a whale...
Oh, I see, NEXT to a whale.
Yeah, sorry, I'm so stupid.
I'm not asking for much of a
compliment, Stephen! No, I'm sorry.
LAUGHTER
Just, you know...?
Who has the world's
largest love handles
and what do they use them for?
Eric Pickles.
KLAXON BLARES
Oh, dear!
What?! You're joking!
You are joking!
You see.
Blue whale?
Not the blue whale. Sorry, so it's
not the blue whale but I'm close?
You are. A barnacle.
LAUGHTER
Stay with cetaceous creatures.
Stay with a mammal. So, it's
a whale, it's a type of whale.
That lives in the sea. It's a whale.
It's a whale. And it begins
with a B. Blue whale.
LAUGHTER
Have another look, Stephen, because
I'm pretty sure I got it right.
There are other kinds of whale
that begin with a B.
Bull whale. Well, there's
the bow head. Bull whale.
Big whale. Big whale. What's the
famous and expensive kind of caviar?
Beluga. Beluga whale.
Oh, beluga whale!
Beluga whale, yes. There one is.
Look at it, that one's going,
"Hello!"
It's lying on its side. "Hello!"
"Hello!
"I'm a beluga whale, you know!"
LAUGHTER
"Ayoo!"
"This is all I can do!"
LAUGHTER
He's very chirpy. They have
no dorsal fin and, amazingly...
"I haven't got a dorsal fin,
you know!"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"Wo, ho, ho, hooo!
"I don't feel the cold!
I don't feel it."
They don't,
because of their blubber.
"It's all in the blubber!"
And they have midriff blubber,
which they can control.
"Feel my love handles, baby! Hello!"
They control their love handles
with special muscles,
so that that's how they move around
and that's how they, you know...
"That's how I roll."
That's how they roll, exactly!
Exactly right.
APPLAUSE
I had a terrible experience,
I was at a cricket match
and at a major cricket ground
that I won't name,
you'll see why in a minute,
and I was talking to a woman
who was married to a leading cricket
executive, who I won't name.
And she was...full-figured,
and we were having the cream tea.
And I said to her,
because she was the wife
of a major cricket executive,
"I bet you've had a few
cream teas in your time."
LOUD GROANING
Oh, no!
I meant because her husband
worked in cricket was what I meant!
And not because she was a fat...
No, not for a second
did I mean that. Oh, dear...
How did that play out, after that?
Yeah.
I thought I could say,
"Not because you're...",
then I thought, that's going to
make it worse... No, quite.
So, I decided to hold... Yes.
I thought I'd just leave it...
Stop digging. Yeah.
And move somewhere else. And walk
off, because that's the best thing,
insult someone about their weight,
and then run away immediately.
But I was... Luckily, cricket
is such a fast-moving sport,
you weren't stuck
there for the day with her.
LAUGHTER
Now, if Johnny and Jason got naked,
covered their legs...
LAUGHTER
Wow! It's pretty good, isn't it?
APPLAUSE
I know. I can't even see that now.
I can't wait after the show to open
wedding gifts together.
Be still, the beating
hearts of the nation!
If they got naked, covered
their legs in lard
and put their
hands on each other's shoulders,
what could we expect to happen next?
I would guess,
Ofcom would get involved.
LAUGHTER
Something-com. Yeah.
It's a red wine that we are about
to trample the grapes for
that you can also fry with.
LAUGHTER
I like the idea
that Lancashire wine...
Yeah, it's the first kind
of sipping lard. Frying wine.
Yes, that's right. You can have a
glass and do your chips in it also.
Available in every
Yates's Wine Lodge. Ooh. Yeah.
There'd be a rush, like at Christmas
when Jamie Oliver
said to use goose fat,
except this time they'd be using
comedians' dripping.
You'd go, "Do you know what?
These potatoes taste a bit funny."
Twice-fried Johnny dripping.
No, we're in t'North and...
You're all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.
You sound like you've
swallowed your tongue.
NORTHERN ACCENT: It's a pursuit
in the North-West, right.
It's not shin kicking?
Yes, it is shin kicking.
Ah.
You knew about shin kicking.
I did, my uncle was one.
Wahey!
APPLAUSE
Very good.
Is that a blade? What ?
Yes, it is.
You stand there and take it in turns
to kick each other in the shins
as hard as you can. And it's the
first person to burst into...
Do you know what they cry if they
give up? It's rather wonderful.
You'd think it would be, "I give in"
or, "Oh, stop it, no." "Stop it."
"Go on with your bother!" No.
LAUGHTER
It's... "Stop kicking me shin,
you bastard!"
It's not that.
They shout, "Sufficient!"
LAUGHTER
That's the cry.
APPLAUSE
Oddly enough, that's my climax call.
Sufficient!
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
The ability
to do two things at once.
We can ask the audience and you,
it's easier for the audience because
of the way they're sitting down.
All you have to do is revolve
your right foot clockwise.
That's easy, isn't it?
And then,
with your right hand make a six.
Is your foot suddenly going
anticlockwise?
Oh, wow! That's weird!
Oh, I don't like that.
Isn't that extraordinary.
What was it? What foot?
Right foot. Oh, yeah. That's weird.
Right foot clockwise.
Yeah. And then do a 6.
You have to think about it.
You really do.
Oh! Oh!
LAUGHTER
That was instant.
You really have to think about it,
to the point where you nearly
break your foot off.
LAUGHTER
You forget what's clockwise.
You start going up
and down and not...
Argh, argh, no, no!
I'm absolutely fighting it!
You're in agony. But I couldn't do
the 6, I couldn't finish the 6.
I just did a C.
Yes. Exactly. It's a bitch, isn't
it? It's really fascinating.
I'll remember that one. People say,
"What do you remember from QI?"
And I remember nothing!
Even if you watch your foot.
Yeah. This is, I mean,
this isn't great television,
what I'm doing at this moment.
You can raise your foot, put your
foot on the desk if you want to.
Right, so, glad I wore
my natty socks today.
Yeah, they've very natty.
LAUGHTER
Argh!
Now what is the name
for people having jobs
that come after their names.
So, if you were a baker, say.
Yes, exactly.
I don't know the term.
My dad was a clerk. And your dad,
exactly, that would do it. Yeah.
It's called nominative determinism.
It's called nominative
or onomastic determinism,
because you're determined
by your name.
I've always been interested by this,
because there was a
family many years ago
and they were called the Gauntlets.
And they christened
their son Victor.
I knew Victor, he ran Aston Martin.
Exactly.
He was DESTINED to run Aston Martin,
simply because his parents
had christened him Victor.
If they'd called him Stan,
he would have been a plumber.
You see it all the time,
where somebody called
Fotherington Major Fortescue,
has always got a sandwich shop
in Fulham.
Whereas somebody called Ron Twat
is a builder from somewhere.
And it's very simple names tend to,
it's, and it does...
I know Ron Twat. Do you?
Bloody good builder.
Surely Ron Twat should be
a gynaecologist, surely that's...
Now, you can see...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Ron Twat...
This is a thing that's
happened to me.
I'll share, cos I'm
amongst friends. All right.
I went to the doctor,
had terrible, like,
it was almost like welts, in a sort
of a... Did you say "whelks"?
Welts. Welts. Not whelks.
It was a red...
No, welts with a T, not with a K.
I thought you said whelks,
as in cockles and...
There was, you know, whelks,
I was bothered by Cockneys!
All the time I had chimney sweeps
around me, I was batting them off.
# Feed the birds! #
Went to the doctor, and I
thought I've got some sort of..
HE MOUTHS
"Sexually transmitted disease."
Went into the doctor, he went,
"Pants are too tight."
That's what he said.
LAUGHTER
So, you were kidding yourself
that you were a medium
and in fact, you were
an extra-extra large.
I've done it, I've been there.
Yeah.
And you do get welts, you get
awful webbing marks, you get...
"Webbing"? Yeah, the, you know,
the webbing of the...
You need to just loosen that banana
hammock and let it fly.
I got the larger...
I went for the larger pant,
and since, trouble-free.
It's been simple. Yeah, I know.
What a wonderful thing.
So, there you are.
LAUGHTER
Now, suggest some lethal
uses for a laptop.
Oh, some lethal...
Smart bombs, guiding smart bombs?
Yeah. Drones.
Hitting people over the head.
"Dammit, Chloe!" Yeah.
Yeah.
That was like he was in the room!
Thank you. I just happen to have
been working with him, that's all...
Oh. Oh, please. Is he nice?
Please, tell me he's nice.
He's an incredibly nice guy.
He really is,
everyone adores him on the set.
Kiefer, this is. Kiefer.
Kiefer, yeah. Kiefer. Kiefer.
Oh, Kiefer! Oh, yes! Yeah. Anyway...
(What's he talking about?)
He's always on laptops. I don't know
what you're talking about.
My favourite one is when he talks
about... 24. Oh, 24, oh!
When he talks about parabollocks.
That was... Parabolics!
"Where are the parabolics?"
I'm like, "Are you saying 'pair of
bollocks'?" That's how it sounds.
really over-the-top
London though, like,
"Chloe, I forgot my Oyster card!
LAUGHTER
It is all shot in London.
"I'm at Spitting Fields!"
"There are engineering works!
"I'm on a bus replacement service!
"Follow me on the satellite!
"The driver hasn't got a clue
where he's going!
"What's the best way from Kensal
Rise to Ladbroke Grove?!
"You can't use the Harrow Road!"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
How did the ladybird get its spots?
Did it use to not have spots, then?
Is that what you're saying?
Well, no, it's not really
those spots,
it's other kinds
of spots that it gets.
Their life is one...
not one, long sexual orgy,
but they are very
highly sexed creatures.
They're beetles, the order of
Coleoptera...
Is that like notches
on their bed post?
Is that what that is?
Like, "Look how many I've had."
Not those spots. They shag so
thoroughly, energetically.
"Thoroughly"? Yeah.
I love a good thorough one!
Oh, yeah... I do, I love it.
"What shall we do this evening?
"Oh, it'll be thorough tonight,
love. I tell you."
Oh, good, I like them!
"No stone will be unturned.
"Every nook and cranny
will be catered..."
I love that you call them stones.
"How was it for you, darling?"
"Thorough."
LAUGHTER
In May... In May up to 50%
of all ladybirds will be at it.
And they'll be at it
for a long, long time.
The males don't really mind
what they shag, I mean,
they'll get on another male, and
then, they'll get on a dead female.
Some of them can orgasm
quite extraordinarily.
I'll give the details,
it's impressive.
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
They have nine-hour mating sessions.
A ladybird orgasm
can be 30 minutes long.
Standard. Yeah.
And they can have several
in one of their nine-hour long
mating sessions.
So, they have several
30-minute orgasms.
Is that nine hours straight,
or do they stop for snacks?
No, as I said, not only straight,
sometimes it's on a male.
Oh, straight in that sense, yes.
No, they might stop for snacks.
Stop for an aphid.
But because of this,
they are riddled with
sexually transmitted diseases,
I'm afraid, which can make
them sterile,
and they get lice and spots.
You see. Other spots.
If they can't tell the sex of other
ladybirds, but I guess, it is, yeah.
But the male is called
a ladybird, too.
Yes, it's confusing, I know.
It's not called a manbird.
No, it should be. Or a
gentlemanbird. A gentlemanbird.
Well, no wonder they're confused.
Well, exactly.
So if one ladybird,
like a male ladybird
gets on another male ladybird,
does the first one after
a bit just go, "Oh, sorry, mate."
I think so, yeah. They do, yeah.
Or are there, are there
gay ladybirds that just love it?
Gay-dybirds!
Gay-dybirds. Brilliant.
APPLAUSE
Now, what suggestions do you have
for the last line of this limerick?
There was an old person of Chile
Whose conduct
was painful and silly
He sat on the stairs
Eating apples and pears...
Firing pips out of his willy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Very good. I don't think
that can be improved upon.
It certainly wasn't improved upon
by the author of that limerick,
who was? The best...
George Orwell.
Edward Lear. Eric Blair. Eric
Blair. Was it a Lear?
Edward Lear, as Victoria rightly
said, popularised the form,
but he had one fatal flaw in his
limerick writing,
which was, do you know?
He didn't know the word "willy".
Was the last line the same as the
first? More or less the same.
Is it, "That boring old
person of Chile?" Basically it is.
Yeah, as you will see, it is "That
imprudent old person of Chile."
I think you'll all agree that
Alan's version is a lot better.
Yeah, firing pips out of the willy
is a lot funnier than that.
Yes. That's exactly what I mean.
On the other hand, less Victorian,
he was sort of around the latter
half of the 19th century.
That is an entirely pointless
thing to write down. It is.
It's not painful and silly, ,
to be imprudent. No.
It's painful and silly to put
the pips in your willy... It is.
And fire them out.
LAUGHTER
I think we're all with you, Alan.
But he hasn't thought of a painful
and silly thing to do...
He hasn't thought it through.
..that's related to apples and pears
and being on the stairs,
he just says he's imprudent.
But there's nothing in that...
There's nothing imprudent
in the previous four lines.
There are other versions
you might be able to finish.
There was an Old Man with a gong
LAUGHTER
Who bumped at it all day long
But they called out, "O law!
You're a horrid old bore!"
"Pull up your trousers,
you're doing it wrong."
LAUGHTER
What, so it's going to be
"You're a horrible old bore,
"you silly Old Man with a gong."
Basically, yeah.
This guy's shit. He is!
LAUGHTER
You can see his original.
These are like Lil Wayne lyrics.
"So they smashed that Old Man
with a gong."
They smashed him
with the gong?! Yeah.
Why did they do that?!
Because he was a horrid old bore.
Well, just take the gong away,
there's no need to... Yeah.
Once you've got the gong from
the old man, the problem's solved.
He's not going to annoy you with
the gong any more.
There's no point...
To smash him with the gong
is a greater crime
than to hit the gong
regardless of whether he
does it all day long.
Also, move away,
go out of earshot
where you can't hear the gong.
There's no excuse for assaulting.
Your outrage is commendable.
Well, let's try another one.
There was a Young Lady of Poole
Whose soup was excessively cool
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil...
"It was a recipe
from Heston Blumentool."
Hey!
APPLAUSE
Very good.
Could you pass that to Jimmy?
Jimmy, open your present,
it's very exciting. OK.
It's actually rather a traditional
present for a young person
to get at Christmas,
or at least was in my generation,
it probably isn't any more.
Thank you. A young person
seems like a stretch now, I'm 41.
Yeah, yeah.
The only way I'm young now
is if I die.
Or compared to me, yes, that's true.
Yeah, that... Now...
Well, you...
And what I'm going to ask you
to do is stand up,
on a box, or at least
as high as you can.
Well, I mean...
Now, you see, that...
Well, I didn't get you anything
and I think my gift's better.
No, don't. You know the
principle of siphoning liquid,
where you put a tube into a petrol
tank and you slightly suck
and then it's got to be higher than
the bucket that you siphon into.
Sure. You can siphon a chain.
So stand as high as you can.
And you see there's an end coming
out of the beaker. As high as I can,
hang on. Out of the cup.
Shall I go on the desk?
If you feel comfortable on the desk,
that's great.
Yeah, why not, why not?
And if you could just jerk
out the leading...
LAUGHTER
Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it!
What do you need me to do?
Now, I'm disappointed.
Stephen, tell me what you need
me to do. Pull yourselves together.
Jerk it out. Just jerk it out?
Yeah. Just jerk it out of the top.
Jerk it out. You'll see a rather
astonishing effect.
It seems to defy gravity, in the
words of Wicked. Jerk that out.
Yeah, out, up and down.
And as high as you can.
Oh! Wow! Woh!
Look at that, that's amazing!
CHAIN RATTLES
Dude!
ALL EXCLAIM
Wait a minute, it's going up,
it's going up, it's going up.
Oh my... Oooh! That is just...
Oh, it's magic!
Whoo! Hey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That was fantastic.
Right, to get you in the mood,
here are some foods for you to try.
You should have some on your,
on your little prop tables. Ooh.
You've got chocolates there, Josh,
you've got a potato, Alan.
LAUGHTER
What have you got, Tony?
Well, I don't... Oh, champagne!
It looks like champagne.
It could be anything.
Probably Cava, knowing our budget.
You could have had a wee
in here for all I know.
You wouldn't want it to fizz
though, would you?
No, you wouldn't though.
Put your finger on top
to stop it overflowing.
That's what I always do on the loo.
Yes, it is.
I think it's fresh and edible
if you want to eat it.
Well, I hope it's fresh.
Drop it in the champagne,
it's quite delicious in champagne.
Oh, am I allowed? I'm
allergic to champagne, literally...
Are you? Yeah. I can't drink it.
Oh, darling, it must be simply
terrible for you. It's not.
LAUGHTER
Christopher Hitchens rather
wonderfully said,
"The four most overrated things
in the world are lobster, champagne,
"anal sex and picnics."
LAUGHTER
But you don't like champagne.
What a night that would be!
LAUGHTER
Anyway, so by all means eat yours.
But what do you think they have to
do with our theme? Chocolate...
They're sexy foods. Yes.
Aphrodisiacs. Aphrodisiacs.
Aphrodisiacs, they're
considered to be aphrodisiacs.
Oysters have long been
considered it. Potato?
Yes, Alan, a thousand times, yes.
LAUGHTER
Well, do have a piece of chocolate.
Do sip your champagne.
And do, by all means,
have your oyster.
I mean, I do love oysters,
but one time I did get poisoning
on a Valentine's Day...
CRUNCHING
On Valentine's Day, as well?
Oh!
Oh, don't! Are you eating your
potato raw? Is that allowed?
LAUGHTER
Oh, oh.
OK, here she goes,
here she goes, oyster down.
It's bigger than I'm used to. Hey!
SHE SWALLOWS
How? Really nice.
I'm definitely going to tape
this episode, I can tell you that.
Try your chocolate, I think...
Oh, they're very nice.
That was delicious. It might have
rose petals or violets.
Are you all right, Alan?
I feel horny. Look out, Josh!
LAUGHTER
It's worked, bloody hell, two bites!
LAUGHTER
Perhaps the most impressive
invention in recent times,
for your lavatorial wants...
The helicopter.
Well, the Gotta Go Briefcase,
it's Japanese, of course. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
That is great!
How much better do you get than
that? It's just simply superb.
It's got everything you could
possibly want,
including a newspaper
to leaf through
if your easement is taking a
bit of time.
I've always felt really sad
when I leave a toilet, like,
"Oh, we've become such good friends.
I wish I could just pack it up
and carry it away."
Yeah. Now I can! It's got a
generously equipped sealing lid.
You can quietly and discreetly
go about your personal business
anywhere you please, with a
fold-out leather privacy panel,
which tucks away neatly to the side.
Yeah, it looks like it hides you
completely, that panel(!)
"What's that suitcase
just sitting there?"
LAUGHTER
It's got a vanity mirror.
I like the leather finish!
Yeah, refillable
hand-sanitising dispenser.
Maximum weight capacity
is 80 kilos.
"Exceeding the recommended weight
will void all warranties."
80 kilos?! Yeah. 80 kilos.
"And may result in..."
Are you going to get
an elephant to shit in it?!
I know. But it is quite heavy.
How are you going to get
80 kilos,
I weigh less than 80 kilos.
It does seem extraordinary. I know.
I really need to get the...
I'm going to exceed the limit!
LAUGHTER
"It may result in rupture
of waste tank,
"possible bacteria
contamination of briefcase contents
"and massive stench."
So, you don't want to do that.
I'm assuming you haven't
emptied it for a year.
Presumably,
you would have two suitcases
when you turned up to meetings.
And everyone would be like,
"Derek, why have
you got two suitcases?" "No reason."
And then he'd just hide behind
the leather panel.
If you accidentally went, I've been
through the figures and... Oops!
LAUGHTER
Massive stench! Massive stench!
Oh, dear.
"How is the meeting going?"
"Oh, it was going fine
until I got the bog out."
Alternatively, you go the other way,
"Thanks for letting me
use your toilet briefcase."
"Oh, I don't have a toilet
briefcase."
I ought to say that the 80 kilos
includes the person sitting on it.
So I think I would... Oh, right.
I would break it,
I've a horrible feeling.
Maybe they...
That changes everything.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to make a lava lamp...
Have you got one?
..for your edification,
pleasure and entertainment.
I have here a little tube,
this is actually a tube
that usually contains tennis balls,
and this is a mixture
of vegetable oil and water.
And I have here a little syringe.
Quite hard to mix, by the way,
those two things.
Yeah, they are, because... They
separate, don't they, David?
Yeah. Yes.
LAUGHTER
Hello? So, you pump the colour in.
And I'm going to use Alka-Seltzer
or any effervescent
hang-over cure pill will do.
And I... Are you going to say,
"Don't try this at home"?
Well, you can, actually.
Honestly, it's not going to explode.
And cue light.
Was this how they...
Wahey! There we go. Pop it on.
And then, as the...
Oh, it's a beautiful thing.
..effervescent works,
it begins, yeah,
there we are, beginning
to get the effect. And you've,
there we are, the colour's now
beginning to come into it.
And you're getting
a sort of lava lamp there,
obviously, professionally
they're made more permanent.
A lava lamp, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But you've all got the equipment,
as it were,
so you can make one yourselves.
Oh, so exciting. Aren't
you lucky? Yeah. It's so exciting.
We've begun with a thrilling
excitement. Put this in first.
What do we do with that?
We inject colour in.
You've all got different colours
to make it thrilling.
Don't put too much of the
effervescent hangover cure...
Oh, Jesus. Oh, I put all of it in.
Did you? Oh, no. Did you?
It's a slightly manic lava lamp,
it's sort of...
Don't put too many pills in.
Just put a little of the...
No, put loads in, it's brilliant.
Yeah, just a little, just put a
little in, yeah. Look at that, man!
Look at your bullshit lava lamp.
Mine has dried.
LAUGHTER
Ours is so brilliant. Look at that!
Won't it explode now?
Hopefully. I can...
No, no, you don't!
No! You're no fun.
Stick another one in,
ours has gone mental.
I'm a responsible adult, there has
to be one on this programme.
Look at all the little balls.
I've got rather oily...
This reminds me so much of school,
when you said, "Don't put all
the Alka-Seltzer in,"
and then Alan said, "We're putting
it all in," as a result.
And I've gone along
with him, and now I'm frightened.
You're the one in trouble.
LAUGHTER
ALL YELP
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
going to blow?
Sir?! Sir?! Sir, sir! Sir!
All right. Sir! Sir! Sir! All right.
You wanted it to explode.
Sir did it, sir did it!
David Mitchell, you made me laugh.
I can smell something.
Sir, can we all do that, sir?
You made me laugh, David.
He was laughing at my colour.
I've told you before...
You're in trouble!
It's not funny, there's nothing
funny about making people laugh.
LAUGHTER
Oh, hang on, there may be. But
dear, oh, dear, I've got oily hands.
Mitchell's taken the lid off, sir,
it's not sealed.
This is not how it was supposed
to happen at all.
LAUGHTER
I love how broad Stephen's remit is!
LAUGHTER
The industrial...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's terrible.
And we all know why Alan has
industrial-strength tissues.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening, guten Abend, bonsoir,
and welcome to the QI L series.
Now, what does the loneliest
whale in the world sound like?
HE WARBLES
HE CONTINUES
HE SHRIEKS
Somebody feed him!
It's not even close.
I don't know what that sounded like,
I never want to hear it ever again.
Your wife is a very lucky woman.
Do you know that?
Yeah, this particular whale,
there's one,
we don't actually know
what species it is,
because no-one's found it,
but people have heard it.
And it's very unusual
because it's the highest-pitched
whale that's ever been recorded
by hydrophones, the microphones
you pop down into the depths.
But how do they know that it's
lonely?
Because it's never been answered.
Ah.
But maybe it just likes spending
time on its own.
It might do, there are theories.
Maybe it's like singing
in your kitchen in your nightie?
Also, how do we know,
if we've never seen it,
how do we know that it IS a whale?
It might be a couple of dolphins
mucking about with a big shell.
Just...
HE WARBLES
"They're coming, they're coming!"
"No, nothing. No."
There's a whale over there
I think, but, then...
HE WARBLES
No, I think... That's the shell.
That's the shell. It's a conch.
Ooh!
Ooh!
I didn't think "conch"
when you did that. Oh, dear!
Are you suggesting that I'm...
I'm not suggesting anything.
Are you suggesting I'm somehow
pleasuring a whale?!
LAUGHTER
No.
The sperm whale's penis
is about three metres long.
Yeah, you'd need a bigger mouth
than even you have got.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Isn't it great how we're all so
keen to be involved? Absolutely.
I'll have a go at that! I'll have a
go! Hang on a second,
if we're all getting involved,
I'll start here,
have it all the way along the front.
Here, you hold it like that,
right, and then.
Right, here you go.
LAUGHTER
Right, there we go, there we go!
THUDDING AND LAUGHTER
Heave ho!
Heave ho!
It's going to blow!
Oh, dear, dear, dear...
A whale at a birthday party?
Well, they take up a lot of room,
you'd need a big hall. Yeah.
I think you're getting there.
Yeah. That's good encouragement,
thanks, Richard.
That's OK.
Think it would be fun for the kids
to get inside, couldn't they,
play around. True.
Bouncy castle.
"Bouncy arsehole", did you say? No!
LAUGHTER
I didn't, but by all means...
Oh, "bouncy castle".
Bouncy castle. Oh, yeah, yeah,
I see what you mean, yeah.
UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER
"Yeah, I'd like to hire a bouncy
arsehole, if I may?"
LAUGHTER
Oops. No. List things that you
need for children's parties.
Well, my kids... Cake,
and I was thinking candles. Yeah.
Candles is one. Right, cake...
Pass the parcel. Pass the parcel.
Balloons. Yes! Balloons!
Balloons. A big whale balloon.
Whales filled with helium.
Why would a blue whale
be useful at a children's party?
Because it's got the largest breath
in the world. Yes!
Because, in one breath,
a blue whale
could inflate 1,250 balloons.
Wow. OK.
That's a spoilt child...
I agree.
I take that point, but I'm fairly
sure it's never happened.
No, no. You're right.
Yeah, and also, logistically,
it would be almost impossible.
Whales live to be very old, as well,
don't they?
So, I would like one
at my birthday party
to make me feel both young and slim.
Yes. Whales aren't particularly
slim though, Lucy.
No, but I would, next to a whale...
Oh, I see, NEXT to a whale.
Yeah, sorry, I'm so stupid.
I'm not asking for much of a
compliment, Stephen! No, I'm sorry.
LAUGHTER
Just, you know...?
Who has the world's
largest love handles
and what do they use them for?
Eric Pickles.
KLAXON BLARES
Oh, dear!
What?! You're joking!
You are joking!
You see.
Blue whale?
Not the blue whale. Sorry, so it's
not the blue whale but I'm close?
You are. A barnacle.
LAUGHTER
Stay with cetaceous creatures.
Stay with a mammal. So, it's
a whale, it's a type of whale.
That lives in the sea. It's a whale.
It's a whale. And it begins
with a B. Blue whale.
LAUGHTER
Have another look, Stephen, because
I'm pretty sure I got it right.
There are other kinds of whale
that begin with a B.
Bull whale. Well, there's
the bow head. Bull whale.
Big whale. Big whale. What's the
famous and expensive kind of caviar?
Beluga. Beluga whale.
Oh, beluga whale!
Beluga whale, yes. There one is.
Look at it, that one's going,
"Hello!"
It's lying on its side. "Hello!"
"Hello!
"I'm a beluga whale, you know!"
LAUGHTER
"Ayoo!"
"This is all I can do!"
LAUGHTER
He's very chirpy. They have
no dorsal fin and, amazingly...
"I haven't got a dorsal fin,
you know!"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"Wo, ho, ho, hooo!
"I don't feel the cold!
I don't feel it."
They don't,
because of their blubber.
"It's all in the blubber!"
And they have midriff blubber,
which they can control.
"Feel my love handles, baby! Hello!"
They control their love handles
with special muscles,
so that that's how they move around
and that's how they, you know...
"That's how I roll."
That's how they roll, exactly!
Exactly right.
APPLAUSE
I had a terrible experience,
I was at a cricket match
and at a major cricket ground
that I won't name,
you'll see why in a minute,
and I was talking to a woman
who was married to a leading cricket
executive, who I won't name.
And she was...full-figured,
and we were having the cream tea.
And I said to her,
because she was the wife
of a major cricket executive,
"I bet you've had a few
cream teas in your time."
LOUD GROANING
Oh, no!
I meant because her husband
worked in cricket was what I meant!
And not because she was a fat...
No, not for a second
did I mean that. Oh, dear...
How did that play out, after that?
Yeah.
I thought I could say,
"Not because you're...",
then I thought, that's going to
make it worse... No, quite.
So, I decided to hold... Yes.
I thought I'd just leave it...
Stop digging. Yeah.
And move somewhere else. And walk
off, because that's the best thing,
insult someone about their weight,
and then run away immediately.
But I was... Luckily, cricket
is such a fast-moving sport,
you weren't stuck
there for the day with her.
LAUGHTER
Now, if Johnny and Jason got naked,
covered their legs...
LAUGHTER
Wow! It's pretty good, isn't it?
APPLAUSE
I know. I can't even see that now.
I can't wait after the show to open
wedding gifts together.
Be still, the beating
hearts of the nation!
If they got naked, covered
their legs in lard
and put their
hands on each other's shoulders,
what could we expect to happen next?
I would guess,
Ofcom would get involved.
LAUGHTER
Something-com. Yeah.
It's a red wine that we are about
to trample the grapes for
that you can also fry with.
LAUGHTER
I like the idea
that Lancashire wine...
Yeah, it's the first kind
of sipping lard. Frying wine.
Yes, that's right. You can have a
glass and do your chips in it also.
Available in every
Yates's Wine Lodge. Ooh. Yeah.
There'd be a rush, like at Christmas
when Jamie Oliver
said to use goose fat,
except this time they'd be using
comedians' dripping.
You'd go, "Do you know what?
These potatoes taste a bit funny."
Twice-fried Johnny dripping.
No, we're in t'North and...
You're all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.
You sound like you've
swallowed your tongue.
NORTHERN ACCENT: It's a pursuit
in the North-West, right.
It's not shin kicking?
Yes, it is shin kicking.
Ah.
You knew about shin kicking.
I did, my uncle was one.
Wahey!
APPLAUSE
Very good.
Is that a blade? What ?
Yes, it is.
You stand there and take it in turns
to kick each other in the shins
as hard as you can. And it's the
first person to burst into...
Do you know what they cry if they
give up? It's rather wonderful.
You'd think it would be, "I give in"
or, "Oh, stop it, no." "Stop it."
"Go on with your bother!" No.
LAUGHTER
It's... "Stop kicking me shin,
you bastard!"
It's not that.
They shout, "Sufficient!"
LAUGHTER
That's the cry.
APPLAUSE
Oddly enough, that's my climax call.
Sufficient!
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
The ability
to do two things at once.
We can ask the audience and you,
it's easier for the audience because
of the way they're sitting down.
All you have to do is revolve
your right foot clockwise.
That's easy, isn't it?
And then,
with your right hand make a six.
Is your foot suddenly going
anticlockwise?
Oh, wow! That's weird!
Oh, I don't like that.
Isn't that extraordinary.
What was it? What foot?
Right foot. Oh, yeah. That's weird.
Right foot clockwise.
Yeah. And then do a 6.
You have to think about it.
You really do.
Oh! Oh!
LAUGHTER
That was instant.
You really have to think about it,
to the point where you nearly
break your foot off.
LAUGHTER
You forget what's clockwise.
You start going up
and down and not...
Argh, argh, no, no!
I'm absolutely fighting it!
You're in agony. But I couldn't do
the 6, I couldn't finish the 6.
I just did a C.
Yes. Exactly. It's a bitch, isn't
it? It's really fascinating.
I'll remember that one. People say,
"What do you remember from QI?"
And I remember nothing!
Even if you watch your foot.
Yeah. This is, I mean,
this isn't great television,
what I'm doing at this moment.
You can raise your foot, put your
foot on the desk if you want to.
Right, so, glad I wore
my natty socks today.
Yeah, they've very natty.
LAUGHTER
Argh!
Now what is the name
for people having jobs
that come after their names.
So, if you were a baker, say.
Yes, exactly.
I don't know the term.
My dad was a clerk. And your dad,
exactly, that would do it. Yeah.
It's called nominative determinism.
It's called nominative
or onomastic determinism,
because you're determined
by your name.
I've always been interested by this,
because there was a
family many years ago
and they were called the Gauntlets.
And they christened
their son Victor.
I knew Victor, he ran Aston Martin.
Exactly.
He was DESTINED to run Aston Martin,
simply because his parents
had christened him Victor.
If they'd called him Stan,
he would have been a plumber.
You see it all the time,
where somebody called
Fotherington Major Fortescue,
has always got a sandwich shop
in Fulham.
Whereas somebody called Ron Twat
is a builder from somewhere.
And it's very simple names tend to,
it's, and it does...
I know Ron Twat. Do you?
Bloody good builder.
Surely Ron Twat should be
a gynaecologist, surely that's...
Now, you can see...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Ron Twat...
This is a thing that's
happened to me.
I'll share, cos I'm
amongst friends. All right.
I went to the doctor,
had terrible, like,
it was almost like welts, in a sort
of a... Did you say "whelks"?
Welts. Welts. Not whelks.
It was a red...
No, welts with a T, not with a K.
I thought you said whelks,
as in cockles and...
There was, you know, whelks,
I was bothered by Cockneys!
All the time I had chimney sweeps
around me, I was batting them off.
# Feed the birds! #
Went to the doctor, and I
thought I've got some sort of..
HE MOUTHS
"Sexually transmitted disease."
Went into the doctor, he went,
"Pants are too tight."
That's what he said.
LAUGHTER
So, you were kidding yourself
that you were a medium
and in fact, you were
an extra-extra large.
I've done it, I've been there.
Yeah.
And you do get welts, you get
awful webbing marks, you get...
"Webbing"? Yeah, the, you know,
the webbing of the...
You need to just loosen that banana
hammock and let it fly.
I got the larger...
I went for the larger pant,
and since, trouble-free.
It's been simple. Yeah, I know.
What a wonderful thing.
So, there you are.
LAUGHTER
Now, suggest some lethal
uses for a laptop.
Oh, some lethal...
Smart bombs, guiding smart bombs?
Yeah. Drones.
Hitting people over the head.
"Dammit, Chloe!" Yeah.
Yeah.
That was like he was in the room!
Thank you. I just happen to have
been working with him, that's all...
Oh. Oh, please. Is he nice?
Please, tell me he's nice.
He's an incredibly nice guy.
He really is,
everyone adores him on the set.
Kiefer, this is. Kiefer.
Kiefer, yeah. Kiefer. Kiefer.
Oh, Kiefer! Oh, yes! Yeah. Anyway...
(What's he talking about?)
He's always on laptops. I don't know
what you're talking about.
My favourite one is when he talks
about... 24. Oh, 24, oh!
When he talks about parabollocks.
That was... Parabolics!
"Where are the parabolics?"
I'm like, "Are you saying 'pair of
bollocks'?" That's how it sounds.
really over-the-top
London though, like,
"Chloe, I forgot my Oyster card!
LAUGHTER
It is all shot in London.
"I'm at Spitting Fields!"
"There are engineering works!
"I'm on a bus replacement service!
"Follow me on the satellite!
"The driver hasn't got a clue
where he's going!
"What's the best way from Kensal
Rise to Ladbroke Grove?!
"You can't use the Harrow Road!"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
How did the ladybird get its spots?
Did it use to not have spots, then?
Is that what you're saying?
Well, no, it's not really
those spots,
it's other kinds
of spots that it gets.
Their life is one...
not one, long sexual orgy,
but they are very
highly sexed creatures.
They're beetles, the order of
Coleoptera...
Is that like notches
on their bed post?
Is that what that is?
Like, "Look how many I've had."
Not those spots. They shag so
thoroughly, energetically.
"Thoroughly"? Yeah.
I love a good thorough one!
Oh, yeah... I do, I love it.
"What shall we do this evening?
"Oh, it'll be thorough tonight,
love. I tell you."
Oh, good, I like them!
"No stone will be unturned.
"Every nook and cranny
will be catered..."
I love that you call them stones.
"How was it for you, darling?"
"Thorough."
LAUGHTER
In May... In May up to 50%
of all ladybirds will be at it.
And they'll be at it
for a long, long time.
The males don't really mind
what they shag, I mean,
they'll get on another male, and
then, they'll get on a dead female.
Some of them can orgasm
quite extraordinarily.
I'll give the details,
it's impressive.
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
They have nine-hour mating sessions.
A ladybird orgasm
can be 30 minutes long.
Standard. Yeah.
And they can have several
in one of their nine-hour long
mating sessions.
So, they have several
30-minute orgasms.
Is that nine hours straight,
or do they stop for snacks?
No, as I said, not only straight,
sometimes it's on a male.
Oh, straight in that sense, yes.
No, they might stop for snacks.
Stop for an aphid.
But because of this,
they are riddled with
sexually transmitted diseases,
I'm afraid, which can make
them sterile,
and they get lice and spots.
You see. Other spots.
If they can't tell the sex of other
ladybirds, but I guess, it is, yeah.
But the male is called
a ladybird, too.
Yes, it's confusing, I know.
It's not called a manbird.
No, it should be. Or a
gentlemanbird. A gentlemanbird.
Well, no wonder they're confused.
Well, exactly.
So if one ladybird,
like a male ladybird
gets on another male ladybird,
does the first one after
a bit just go, "Oh, sorry, mate."
I think so, yeah. They do, yeah.
Or are there, are there
gay ladybirds that just love it?
Gay-dybirds!
Gay-dybirds. Brilliant.
APPLAUSE
Now, what suggestions do you have
for the last line of this limerick?
There was an old person of Chile
Whose conduct
was painful and silly
He sat on the stairs
Eating apples and pears...
Firing pips out of his willy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Very good. I don't think
that can be improved upon.
It certainly wasn't improved upon
by the author of that limerick,
who was? The best...
George Orwell.
Edward Lear. Eric Blair. Eric
Blair. Was it a Lear?
Edward Lear, as Victoria rightly
said, popularised the form,
but he had one fatal flaw in his
limerick writing,
which was, do you know?
He didn't know the word "willy".
Was the last line the same as the
first? More or less the same.
Is it, "That boring old
person of Chile?" Basically it is.
Yeah, as you will see, it is "That
imprudent old person of Chile."
I think you'll all agree that
Alan's version is a lot better.
Yeah, firing pips out of the willy
is a lot funnier than that.
Yes. That's exactly what I mean.
On the other hand, less Victorian,
he was sort of around the latter
half of the 19th century.
That is an entirely pointless
thing to write down. It is.
It's not painful and silly, ,
to be imprudent. No.
It's painful and silly to put
the pips in your willy... It is.
And fire them out.
LAUGHTER
I think we're all with you, Alan.
But he hasn't thought of a painful
and silly thing to do...
He hasn't thought it through.
..that's related to apples and pears
and being on the stairs,
he just says he's imprudent.
But there's nothing in that...
There's nothing imprudent
in the previous four lines.
There are other versions
you might be able to finish.
There was an Old Man with a gong
LAUGHTER
Who bumped at it all day long
But they called out, "O law!
You're a horrid old bore!"
"Pull up your trousers,
you're doing it wrong."
LAUGHTER
What, so it's going to be
"You're a horrible old bore,
"you silly Old Man with a gong."
Basically, yeah.
This guy's shit. He is!
LAUGHTER
You can see his original.
These are like Lil Wayne lyrics.
"So they smashed that Old Man
with a gong."
They smashed him
with the gong?! Yeah.
Why did they do that?!
Because he was a horrid old bore.
Well, just take the gong away,
there's no need to... Yeah.
Once you've got the gong from
the old man, the problem's solved.
He's not going to annoy you with
the gong any more.
There's no point...
To smash him with the gong
is a greater crime
than to hit the gong
regardless of whether he
does it all day long.
Also, move away,
go out of earshot
where you can't hear the gong.
There's no excuse for assaulting.
Your outrage is commendable.
Well, let's try another one.
There was a Young Lady of Poole
Whose soup was excessively cool
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil...
"It was a recipe
from Heston Blumentool."
Hey!
APPLAUSE
Very good.
Could you pass that to Jimmy?
Jimmy, open your present,
it's very exciting. OK.
It's actually rather a traditional
present for a young person
to get at Christmas,
or at least was in my generation,
it probably isn't any more.
Thank you. A young person
seems like a stretch now, I'm 41.
Yeah, yeah.
The only way I'm young now
is if I die.
Or compared to me, yes, that's true.
Yeah, that... Now...
Well, you...
And what I'm going to ask you
to do is stand up,
on a box, or at least
as high as you can.
Well, I mean...
Now, you see, that...
Well, I didn't get you anything
and I think my gift's better.
No, don't. You know the
principle of siphoning liquid,
where you put a tube into a petrol
tank and you slightly suck
and then it's got to be higher than
the bucket that you siphon into.
Sure. You can siphon a chain.
So stand as high as you can.
And you see there's an end coming
out of the beaker. As high as I can,
hang on. Out of the cup.
Shall I go on the desk?
If you feel comfortable on the desk,
that's great.
Yeah, why not, why not?
And if you could just jerk
out the leading...
LAUGHTER
Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it!
What do you need me to do?
Now, I'm disappointed.
Stephen, tell me what you need
me to do. Pull yourselves together.
Jerk it out. Just jerk it out?
Yeah. Just jerk it out of the top.
Jerk it out. You'll see a rather
astonishing effect.
It seems to defy gravity, in the
words of Wicked. Jerk that out.
Yeah, out, up and down.
And as high as you can.
Oh! Wow! Woh!
Look at that, that's amazing!
CHAIN RATTLES
Dude!
ALL EXCLAIM
Wait a minute, it's going up,
it's going up, it's going up.
Oh my... Oooh! That is just...
Oh, it's magic!
Whoo! Hey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That was fantastic.
Right, to get you in the mood,
here are some foods for you to try.
You should have some on your,
on your little prop tables. Ooh.
You've got chocolates there, Josh,
you've got a potato, Alan.
LAUGHTER
What have you got, Tony?
Well, I don't... Oh, champagne!
It looks like champagne.
It could be anything.
Probably Cava, knowing our budget.
You could have had a wee
in here for all I know.
You wouldn't want it to fizz
though, would you?
No, you wouldn't though.
Put your finger on top
to stop it overflowing.
That's what I always do on the loo.
Yes, it is.
I think it's fresh and edible
if you want to eat it.
Well, I hope it's fresh.
Drop it in the champagne,
it's quite delicious in champagne.
Oh, am I allowed? I'm
allergic to champagne, literally...
Are you? Yeah. I can't drink it.
Oh, darling, it must be simply
terrible for you. It's not.
LAUGHTER
Christopher Hitchens rather
wonderfully said,
"The four most overrated things
in the world are lobster, champagne,
"anal sex and picnics."
LAUGHTER
But you don't like champagne.
What a night that would be!
LAUGHTER
Anyway, so by all means eat yours.
But what do you think they have to
do with our theme? Chocolate...
They're sexy foods. Yes.
Aphrodisiacs. Aphrodisiacs.
Aphrodisiacs, they're
considered to be aphrodisiacs.
Oysters have long been
considered it. Potato?
Yes, Alan, a thousand times, yes.
LAUGHTER
Well, do have a piece of chocolate.
Do sip your champagne.
And do, by all means,
have your oyster.
I mean, I do love oysters,
but one time I did get poisoning
on a Valentine's Day...
CRUNCHING
On Valentine's Day, as well?
Oh!
Oh, don't! Are you eating your
potato raw? Is that allowed?
LAUGHTER
Oh, oh.
OK, here she goes,
here she goes, oyster down.
It's bigger than I'm used to. Hey!
SHE SWALLOWS
How? Really nice.
I'm definitely going to tape
this episode, I can tell you that.
Try your chocolate, I think...
Oh, they're very nice.
That was delicious. It might have
rose petals or violets.
Are you all right, Alan?
I feel horny. Look out, Josh!
LAUGHTER
It's worked, bloody hell, two bites!
LAUGHTER
Perhaps the most impressive
invention in recent times,
for your lavatorial wants...
The helicopter.
Well, the Gotta Go Briefcase,
it's Japanese, of course. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
That is great!
How much better do you get than
that? It's just simply superb.
It's got everything you could
possibly want,
including a newspaper
to leaf through
if your easement is taking a
bit of time.
I've always felt really sad
when I leave a toilet, like,
"Oh, we've become such good friends.
I wish I could just pack it up
and carry it away."
Yeah. Now I can! It's got a
generously equipped sealing lid.
You can quietly and discreetly
go about your personal business
anywhere you please, with a
fold-out leather privacy panel,
which tucks away neatly to the side.
Yeah, it looks like it hides you
completely, that panel(!)
"What's that suitcase
just sitting there?"
LAUGHTER
It's got a vanity mirror.
I like the leather finish!
Yeah, refillable
hand-sanitising dispenser.
Maximum weight capacity
is 80 kilos.
"Exceeding the recommended weight
will void all warranties."
80 kilos?! Yeah. 80 kilos.
"And may result in..."
Are you going to get
an elephant to shit in it?!
I know. But it is quite heavy.
How are you going to get
80 kilos,
I weigh less than 80 kilos.
It does seem extraordinary. I know.
I really need to get the...
I'm going to exceed the limit!
LAUGHTER
"It may result in rupture
of waste tank,
"possible bacteria
contamination of briefcase contents
"and massive stench."
So, you don't want to do that.
I'm assuming you haven't
emptied it for a year.
Presumably,
you would have two suitcases
when you turned up to meetings.
And everyone would be like,
"Derek, why have
you got two suitcases?" "No reason."
And then he'd just hide behind
the leather panel.
If you accidentally went, I've been
through the figures and... Oops!
LAUGHTER
Massive stench! Massive stench!
Oh, dear.
"How is the meeting going?"
"Oh, it was going fine
until I got the bog out."
Alternatively, you go the other way,
"Thanks for letting me
use your toilet briefcase."
"Oh, I don't have a toilet
briefcase."
I ought to say that the 80 kilos
includes the person sitting on it.
So I think I would... Oh, right.
I would break it,
I've a horrible feeling.
Maybe they...
That changes everything.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to make a lava lamp...
Have you got one?
..for your edification,
pleasure and entertainment.
I have here a little tube,
this is actually a tube
that usually contains tennis balls,
and this is a mixture
of vegetable oil and water.
And I have here a little syringe.
Quite hard to mix, by the way,
those two things.
Yeah, they are, because... They
separate, don't they, David?
Yeah. Yes.
LAUGHTER
Hello? So, you pump the colour in.
And I'm going to use Alka-Seltzer
or any effervescent
hang-over cure pill will do.
And I... Are you going to say,
"Don't try this at home"?
Well, you can, actually.
Honestly, it's not going to explode.
And cue light.
Was this how they...
Wahey! There we go. Pop it on.
And then, as the...
Oh, it's a beautiful thing.
..effervescent works,
it begins, yeah,
there we are, beginning
to get the effect. And you've,
there we are, the colour's now
beginning to come into it.
And you're getting
a sort of lava lamp there,
obviously, professionally
they're made more permanent.
A lava lamp, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But you've all got the equipment,
as it were,
so you can make one yourselves.
Oh, so exciting. Aren't
you lucky? Yeah. It's so exciting.
We've begun with a thrilling
excitement. Put this in first.
What do we do with that?
We inject colour in.
You've all got different colours
to make it thrilling.
Don't put too much of the
effervescent hangover cure...
Oh, Jesus. Oh, I put all of it in.
Did you? Oh, no. Did you?
It's a slightly manic lava lamp,
it's sort of...
Don't put too many pills in.
Just put a little of the...
No, put loads in, it's brilliant.
Yeah, just a little, just put a
little in, yeah. Look at that, man!
Look at your bullshit lava lamp.
Mine has dried.
LAUGHTER
Ours is so brilliant. Look at that!
Won't it explode now?
Hopefully. I can...
No, no, you don't!
No! You're no fun.
Stick another one in,
ours has gone mental.
I'm a responsible adult, there has
to be one on this programme.
Look at all the little balls.
I've got rather oily...
This reminds me so much of school,
when you said, "Don't put all
the Alka-Seltzer in,"
and then Alan said, "We're putting
it all in," as a result.
And I've gone along
with him, and now I'm frightened.
You're the one in trouble.
LAUGHTER
ALL YELP
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
going to blow?
Sir?! Sir?! Sir, sir! Sir!
All right. Sir! Sir! Sir! All right.
You wanted it to explode.
Sir did it, sir did it!
David Mitchell, you made me laugh.
I can smell something.
Sir, can we all do that, sir?
You made me laugh, David.
He was laughing at my colour.
I've told you before...
You're in trouble!
It's not funny, there's nothing
funny about making people laugh.
LAUGHTER
Oh, hang on, there may be. But
dear, oh, dear, I've got oily hands.
Mitchell's taken the lid off, sir,
it's not sealed.
This is not how it was supposed
to happen at all.
LAUGHTER
I love how broad Stephen's remit is!
LAUGHTER
The industrial...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's terrible.
And we all know why Alan has
industrial-strength tissues.
LAUGHTER